Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 414
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out - and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.
You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.
I sort of felt sorry for the damned flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something form a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.”
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.
One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.
Remember this shit, if you play certain rock albums backwards there'd be satanic messages? Let me tell you something, if you're sitting round your house playing your albums backwards, you are Satan. You needn't look any further. And don't go ruining my stereo to prove a point either.
Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.