Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 414
Our air quality's all messed up now. Knew that was coming when they lowered the emissions standards. Knew that was gonna happen when he appointed Christine Whitman head of the EPA. Yeah, the governor of New Jersey is head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know how dirty New Jersey is?
Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.
They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.
You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a fuck-up by a guy on vacation.
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, "Oh, come on!" every now and then at the TV.
President Bush never really has to answer a question. Nobody ever says to him, "With due respect, sir, your answer had absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked."
This is my life, man! You can’t tell me how to talk about my life. People come with that kind of arrogance like, “you need to be talking about this.” I say, “well you need to go listen to Christian comedy then.” It’s like listening to Christian rock, it just doesn’t count. You can either sing gospel or Catholic Church music, stay away from rock. You can’t rock a solo to Jesus, I’m sorry. No, I’m listening to Zeppelin dude.