Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 414
We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept.
Our air quality's all messed up now. Knew that was coming when they lowered the emissions standards. Knew that was gonna happen when he appointed Christine Whitman head of the EPA. Yeah, the governor of New Jersey is head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know how dirty New Jersey is?
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
It doesn't behoove us not to ask these questions. It makes us look like fools.
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, “Rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger.” Great. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too?
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
You know what the bodega is? It's the little Latin store, and they try to act like it's a grocery store. It has two aisles. And the guy, he always tries to help me, 'You looking for the bread?' I was like, 'Dude, I can see it right here, alright.' He's like, 'Hey, hey, it's in aisle two.' That's all you got, what are you talking about?
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.