Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 427
There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.
These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me - I've just been cutting onions. I'm making a lasange... for one.
What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.
I had my boy in Boston on Easter Sunday. That kills me, from a sports perspective. He's a Boston baby and I'm a New York guy.
The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, going "Rock on man!"
Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”
I used to always run off at the mouth and talk about people. I just didn't know that it would make a living for me.
The truth hurts. It used to sooth, but, then my dad got a hold of it. When I was seventeen, he told me the truth about love. He called our little talk, "The birds, the bees and your girlfriend's a slut."
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.