Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 427

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You’d be nervous too if you knew that one day you’d get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me "you think he's been hunting?" "Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep." Here's your sign!

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

We did it for nine years, No. 1, and the Fox Children's Network moved it into a different direction, of the Power Rangers and other stuff.

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.