Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 427
It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.
You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.
I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.
Ladies, is it really the size of a man's penis that matters? Is it? (some girls cheer) Well, the whores have spoken. Some woman say yes, some women say "no, it's how he uses his penis." How he uses it? What is this man doing with his magical penis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? "A gazebo, how did that get in here?!" "Don't thank me." What if a man doesn't have a penis, but three balls, and one of them lights up and plays a tune? Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY?!
What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.
In addition to listening to the audience’s laugh, you want to listen to their silence. Is it bored or interested silence? The silence is quieter and filled with energy when they’re interested. You can hear a pin drop. When they’re bored, you can always hear it.
I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.