Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 427

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Remember that friend in High School, who wanted to make bongs out of everything? Making bongs out of apples and oranges and shit. One day you find your friend goin' "Hey look, man, I made a bong out of my head! Put the pot in this ear and suck it out of this one, go on take a hit!"

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

If you’re able to build from your falls you’ll be unstoppable and damn near fearless. You see, every time you fall down and get back up, you add another piece of body armor to yourself. You learn what not to do, how to do better, and how to create comfort through practice.

Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary; but you and I know what a Jew is - One Who Killed Our Lord. And although there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, it seems that those who neither have the actions nor the gait of Christians, pagan or not, will bust us out, unrelenting dues, for another deuce.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

It's nobody's business how you do something.

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.