Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 426

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

In my teens my folks used a drone look-alike kite to see if I was masturbating too much.

My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.

I'd pick a young white guy over an old white guy for president anytime because the younger guy is more likely to have been influenced by the great social changes of the '60s and '70s.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I couldn't stop. I put the pipe down. It jumped back in my hand.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.