Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 426

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

It’s about something that strikes you as funny but I do it with a Christian world view: why we think the way we do based on God’s plan. I lift up my God and my country and I resist political correctness.

I think about suicide every fucking day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea.

My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

In addition to listening to the audience’s laugh, you want to listen to their silence. Is it bored or interested silence? The silence is quieter and filled with energy when they’re interested. You can hear a pin drop. When they’re bored, you can always hear it.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

But I really felt that, something about the lights going down, and the sense of community. I saw this movie at one festival, and there were 1700 people.

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

It's nobody's business how you do something.

If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I’d have the strength.

I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience.

The president is always made fun of.