Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 426
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
If you’re able to build from your falls you’ll be unstoppable and damn near fearless. You see, every time you fall down and get back up, you add another piece of body armor to yourself. You learn what not to do, how to do better, and how to create comfort through practice.
It's the hand job of cereals 'cause it's like, 'This is pretty good, but you know what I really want.'
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.
When you grow up poor, you have to either work really hard to try and get where you want to be, or you'll just stay put.
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
You can have a film and have 200 white people working on it, and nobody finds anything wrong with that. But if you insist on having a black crew, all of a sudden there`s something wrong.
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.