Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 426

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I’d have the strength.

When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror.

When I was a kid, I wanted to walk with my dad's limp - my dad was my hero - but that infuriated him, and he would make me walk back and forth in the living room until I walked without it.

I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.

I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.