Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 428
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.
If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
It's the same thing every week - every week. What do you think's going to happen? Oh, that guy's got a unibrow. You think they're going to talk about that? He's got cinder block bookshelves. You think that's going to come up?
Ladies, is it really the size of a man's penis that matters? Is it? (some girls cheer) Well, the whores have spoken. Some woman say yes, some women say "no, it's how he uses his penis." How he uses it? What is this man doing with his magical penis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? "A gazebo, how did that get in here?!" "Don't thank me." What if a man doesn't have a penis, but three balls, and one of them lights up and plays a tune? Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY?!
When I used to watch vaudevillian impressionists, people like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin, I always felt like the voice was the only point. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be of the Robin Williams or Jonathan Winters model, where observation and storytelling was important.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.
I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.