Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 428

If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.

This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.

My parenting style could be described as not "good cop" or "bad cop" so much as "nervous cop." I'm always yelling for somebody to stop because they're about to get hurt. I'm the "take a jacket," "slow down" guy.

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

The president is always made fun of.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"

...and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: nuclear fuckin' weapons! Ok?!

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.