Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 428
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
I don't like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint I really couldn't say shit to the guy.
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she’s out with her friends and they’re like, ‘Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.’
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
It's the same thing every week - every week. What do you think's going to happen? Oh, that guy's got a unibrow. You think they're going to talk about that? He's got cinder block bookshelves. You think that's going to come up?
When I used to watch vaudevillian impressionists, people like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin, I always felt like the voice was the only point. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be of the Robin Williams or Jonathan Winters model, where observation and storytelling was important.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.