Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 428
When you grow up poor, you have to either work really hard to try and get where you want to be, or you'll just stay put.
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
Unfortunately, the show's success comes at the expense of its biggest asset -- the comedians themselves.
Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian - don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all.
You can have a film and have 200 white people working on it, and nobody finds anything wrong with that. But if you insist on having a black crew, all of a sudden there`s something wrong.
I just went through a break up, actually. I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I'm just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, 'Never put your face in them.'
Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
Why do they put the little "on/off" words on a light switch? If the light's on, you can see that it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to see the words on the switch.
There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be... I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage.