Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 428
Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror.
I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.
They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.
Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.
I'm not a gay man, but I will say this: I get it now. I know what all the hype is about.
My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.
I was the voice of Bobby. So while I was doing the show, I was also a father. It did reflect how I tried to handle things in my own home.