Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 428

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven.. Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved.

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

I'm not interesting enough on my own that you'd want to see a film about me.

There are so few women in general who aren't completely threatened and confused by other women's success. It's very disappointing.

I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.

I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.