Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 429
Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.
Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things.
You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.
In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”
There are so few women in general who aren't completely threatened and confused by other women's success. It's very disappointing.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."
Is it weird being a twin city? Do you sometimes know exactly what the other city's thinking?