Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 429
Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”
There are so few women in general who aren't completely threatened and confused by other women's success. It's very disappointing.
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.
I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
I was the voice of Bobby. So while I was doing the show, I was also a father. It did reflect how I tried to handle things in my own home.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, "Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!"