Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 429
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I recently found out about this other super movie star. He only works from about 11:00 to 4:00, so all his movies take like 120 days. But this was a lot of stuff to do in 35 days.
My father walked to school, 4'oclock every morning. With no shoes on. Up a hill, both ways in 5 feet of snow, and he was thankful.
Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.
Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?
Unfortunately, the show's success comes at the expense of its biggest asset -- the comedians themselves.
Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian - don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
I just went through a break up, actually. I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I'm just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, 'Never put your face in them.'
Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.
I wanted to do something different, but it`s a weird transition you`re making here. You`re trying to get the audience to come with you.
Why do they put the little "on/off" words on a light switch? If the light's on, you can see that it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to see the words on the switch.
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.