Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 429

Same thing every year: up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls - and then you leave the house.

When I used to watch vaudevillian impressionists, people like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin, I always felt like the voice was the only point. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be of the Robin Williams or Jonathan Winters model, where observation and storytelling was important.

Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.

In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.

Enjoy your popcorn and enjoy the jokes. It's just a movie, so have fun!

The new breed of comics are completely different than what I did.

There are so few women in general who aren't completely threatened and confused by other women's success. It's very disappointing.

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

I'd pick a young white guy over an old white guy for president anytime because the younger guy is more likely to have been influenced by the great social changes of the '60s and '70s.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me "you think he's been hunting?" "Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep." Here's your sign!

I don't like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint I really couldn't say shit to the guy.

If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I’d have the strength.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.