Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 429

To be diagnosed was the hardest thing because I didn't know what they were talking about... And the doctor said, "Don't worry, in three months you'll know." So I went about my business and then, one day, it jumped me. I couldn't get up... Your muscles trick you; they did me.

My parenting style could be described as not "good cop" or "bad cop" so much as "nervous cop." I'm always yelling for somebody to stop because they're about to get hurt. I'm the "take a jacket," "slow down" guy.

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.

I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.

The president is always made fun of.

I'm a big foodie! I eat, like, three times a day... but most of all, I'm a breathie. Breathing air? That's the best thing in the world! I couldn't go two minutes without breathing.

We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"

I’m afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.