Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 431

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

I want to keep working, I want to keep doing my humanitarian stuff around the world, shining light on different places that have problems. Keep making movies, make people laugh.

I don't know what your feedin' him, but he is too damn big!

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.

Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world.

Is being an idiot like being high all the time?

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

So I think if you're happy with your brain, you're powerful.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'

I don't like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint I really couldn't say shit to the guy.

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

I'ma beat the puberty outta ya! You ain't gonna see it coming.