Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 431

I’m afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.

I know 50 done made it cool to get shot, ain't nothing cool about gettin' shot. I've been shot before, ain't shit cool about it. When I got shot, ain't no Music play, ain't no Bitches come out, Nothin'!

Comedians talk to other comedians the way jazz musicians can talk to each other.

I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.

A river in Cleveland caught fire… what did they put it out with?

Mom-and-Pop shops close for no reason. You go in there, you're like, "Why are you closed today?' They're like, 'We're sad.' That's not even a legit thing. Wal-Mart -- you could shoot the entire staff it would be an hour of confusion and they'd be up and running again. That's how great Wal-Mart is.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of "Full House" was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.