Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 430
Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!
To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.
Comedians talk to other comedians the way jazz musicians can talk to each other.
I don’t know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it’s no act.
I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.
When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.