Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 430
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.
To be diagnosed was the hardest thing because I didn't know what they were talking about... And the doctor said, "Don't worry, in three months you'll know." So I went about my business and then, one day, it jumped me. I couldn't get up... Your muscles trick you; they did me.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.
I'm a big foodie! I eat, like, three times a day... but most of all, I'm a breathie. Breathing air? That's the best thing in the world! I couldn't go two minutes without breathing.
No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.