Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 430

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.

Comedians talk to other comedians the way jazz musicians can talk to each other.

I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it.

I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got - one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now - wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over - there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.'

I don’t really know what’s wrong with Jay Leno. I don’t have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Kids, do not fuck that shit; you'll get an infection.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

The show doesn't drive home a lesson, but it can open up people's minds enough for them to see how stupid every kind of prejudice can be.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

Remember this shit, if you play certain rock albums backwards there'd be satanic messages? Let me tell you something, if you're sitting round your house playing your albums backwards, you are Satan. You needn't look any further. And don't go ruining my stereo to prove a point either.

You listen to the world, you'll hear McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind instrument and the fart's the whole note.