Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 432

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.

You look like the kind of woman who dates guys in prision.

Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.

I've got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.

Comedians talk to other comedians the way jazz musicians can talk to each other.

A river in Cleveland caught fire… what did they put it out with?

I don’t know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it’s no act.

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.

I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.

No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.

Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.

You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.