Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 432
Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.
People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."
For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.
It's the same thing every week - every week. What do you think's going to happen? Oh, that guy's got a unibrow. You think they're going to talk about that? He's got cinder block bookshelves. You think that's going to come up?
Same thing every year: up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls - and then you leave the house.
I am going to bring a more eclectic group of actors and a more eclectic group of musicians from Mana to Santana to Slash and Garth Brooks. I know some pretty high-profile people in Hollywood, in music and in comedy. They all seem to be supportive of the idea.
Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.
Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven.. Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.
I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it.
But I really felt that, something about the lights going down, and the sense of community. I saw this movie at one festival, and there were 1700 people.