Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 432

Remember this shit, if you play certain rock albums backwards there'd be satanic messages? Let me tell you something, if you're sitting round your house playing your albums backwards, you are Satan. You needn't look any further. And don't go ruining my stereo to prove a point either.

You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues talking while yawning)" "Yeah no worries."

I want you to remember, behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, "Oh, he's good."

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

Are you allowed to smoke eCigarettes without arrogance?

Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

I love portraying the totally indifferent person.

The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still talking to the newspaper!

When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.

When life gives you lemons... they could really be oranges.

I was always working, so I would get reading done very late at night a lot of times.

I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.