Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 432
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
Some days I think I look kind of cute, but other days I try to avoid the mirror.
I grew up in Boston, and in Boston, people just beat the shit out of each other for no reason. They just beat the shit out of each other. But I kinda think you need that to keep quality control 'cause in places where it doesn't have it, they're too free.
Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.