Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 439
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.
The truth hurts. It used to sooth, but, then my dad got a hold of it. When I was seventeen, he told me the truth about love. He called our little talk, "The birds, the bees and your girlfriend's a slut."
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Ever set your hair on fire? Me too! And not the hair on my head. Oh, shall we not go to the gutter so quickly? It was the hair on my arms. I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'
It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.
Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.
As a comedian, I have the gift of looking at something a bit differently and making it funny. I’m not sure why I can do that, but that’s as simple as I can put it.
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.