Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 439
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
It doesn't matter how big the warnings on the cigarettes are; you could have a black pack, with a skull and crossbones on the front, called tumors, and smokers would be around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet ya get a tumor as soon as you light up!"
I don't believe any particular ethnic group is smarter than any other group.
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
On a good night, I'm just into the flow and seeing the pictures and words in my mind clearly before I say them. On a bad night, which to be honest are nowhere near as bad as when I was starting out, I just concentrate on performing the routines correctly. I focus on my delivery.
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.
Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.
It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"