Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 438
I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Ever set your hair on fire? Me too! And not the hair on my head. Oh, shall we not go to the gutter so quickly? It was the hair on my arms. I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?
So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!
Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision - she's already planning to refudiate it.
I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.
It doesn't matter how big the warnings on the cigarettes are; you could have a black pack, with a skull and crossbones on the front, called tumors, and smokers would be around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet ya get a tumor as soon as you light up!"
If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.
You might be a redneck if your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with Jay Leno. I don’t have the training to make a professional diagnosis.