Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 438
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
Keep your complements to yourself. I get the worst complements. “Oh, you’re Asian. I love orange chicken!” That’s not a compliment.
I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.
I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.
Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink - a zombie!
Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.
When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!
Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is girls; bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls' and 'bullboys.'
People don't realize, or maybe they've forgotten, that there was a time in history when standup comedy wasn't something that you had to hide your kids' ears from.
Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.