Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 438

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and... go at them.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

Do ten or fifteen minutes up front of likeable material and then go to your vile self.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both see it happen and you go "Ooooh" you're thinkin' "Woops I got him!" He's thinking "Woops he got me!" But no one says anything. Because it's a secret. If his spit lands on me I don't do anything, I don't wipe it straight away, because I don't wanna embarass them. Hey, I've got his spit on my face and I'm worried about his feelings. You go "Sorry Carl" and I go "Nah, nah it's alright, I love being spat on."

I also say that if there isn't a response to what's been happening to the people out there, there's going to be a great explosion one of these days, and this will not be one of the nicest places to live.

When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by Sue Rural Route 2.

These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me - I've just been cutting onions. I'm making a lasange... for one.

I have one show biz picture in my house. It's with Mr. Hope. I have asked for one autograph in my life: Mr. Hope's.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.