Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 457
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Honestly, so much of my book is about the best things in my life have happened since I'm 40.
She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.
I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign."
If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.
I observe everything around me and when something hits me and it’s funny, that’s what I talk about. I’m a more observational kind of comic.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.