Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 457

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was "I should cut my bangs."

Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?

It's definitely a relief that it's over. It's been a long season for us, with ups and downs. But we're going to put it behind us now and we've got to try and be a better team.

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

They shouldn't be able to teach religion until you're 18 years old and you know what? It'd be a whole different world because if they weren't pushing that shit into your head while it was still soft you'd never buy it.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

My first words were "Seconds, please". Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9x12.

The thing that cracks me up the most about male strippers is, they’re always in policemen’s uniforms and firemen’s uniforms. ‘Cause they say that women like a man in uniform. No, no, it’s not about the uniform, okay? We like men with jobs. You will never see a male stripper come out with pajama pants on, holding a video game controller and a pop-tart.

There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”