Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 457
I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.
Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.
Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans... they're made of candy!"
I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.
I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign."