Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 456
Is oral sex adultery? Yes! That's the end of the fucking argument. There's nothing to discuss. If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. I would like to see that. Ice skating, then blowjobs. I certainly would stay through whatever commercials they had. I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been. And if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.
Look, anybody can tell a joke, so a lot of a comedian’s success is about energy and engagement. A real comic sells himself first and his joke second. So how do you do that? Get your swagger. Know what you’re doing. Be prepared. Be fresh. Be “on.”
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.
As a comedian, I have the gift of looking at something a bit differently and making it funny. I’m not sure why I can do that, but that’s as simple as I can put it.
The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was "Hang up, I got it!"
My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!
I've got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.