Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 456
If your wife has ever said ‘Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.’, you might be a redneck.
Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
I hated my last boss. He asked, "Why are you two hours late?" I said, "I fell downstairs." He said, "That doesn't take two hours."
Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
There's this new device you can buy for your car and it's got a keyless device and you press it, it's got a heartbeat detector on it. So you aim it at your car, you press it, if it flashes that means someone is in your car and they're going to kill you, all right? It's not going to be good -- so you press it. If you want to buy it it's like $550. If you do not have that money you can do the old school route which is just look in the window.
If we had 3 million exhibitionists and only one voyeur, nobody could make any money.
My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".
Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.
I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.