Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 456

There's a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!

Going to get a dog and name him, "I don't want to live anymore", then walk around calling him.

Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign."

You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.

You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.