Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 456
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
You can't touch the strippers. Why are you paying to not touch someone? That is weird. How do you win in that situation? That is like walking into a deli, starving, and being like, 'Here's $300 - can I stare at the roast beef? Better yet, I'll sit down in this chair and you can mash it around my mouth and balls.'
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.
A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.
When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
For a short period of time, I was like, "I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them." And then eventually, I was like, "Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
Every night, it’s a bakery on the bus. It’s a curse, because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I’m diabetic, so I’m like, are you kidding me?!