Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 458
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.
I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.
You can't touch the strippers. Why are you paying to not touch someone? That is weird. How do you win in that situation? That is like walking into a deli, starving, and being like, 'Here's $300 - can I stare at the roast beef? Better yet, I'll sit down in this chair and you can mash it around my mouth and balls.'
Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.
I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.
We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know?