Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 458
It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary... but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
Love. Hygiene. That's the important thing. Hygiene. The toughest thing in the world: you have to turn to your mate one night and say: "You gotta wash your ass!" Shit. Knowing how difficult it is, I said it for you: you gotta wash your ass.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
I also say that if there isn't a response to what's been happening to the people out there, there's going to be a great explosion one of these days, and this will not be one of the nicest places to live.
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Somebody said they were going to bring an 11-year-old to my show tonight. I'm not gonna tone it down for no 11-year-old.