Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 458
I observe everything around me and when something hits me and it’s funny, that’s what I talk about. I’m a more observational kind of comic.
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.
The show doesn't drive home a lesson, but it can open up people's minds enough for them to see how stupid every kind of prejudice can be.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.
To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
The jokes now, it’s just more stories and personal experiences. And just talking about things that really happened. It’s just becoming more comfortable as a performer, sharing my opinions on things, or things that’ve happened to me. That’s where it’s really going.