Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 47
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
The interviewer goes, 'Alright, let me clarify. Are you a Democrat or a Republican?' 'I'm neither.' 'Well, why not?' 'Because I'm kind of smart and I don't enjoy being half wrong all the fucking time.'
Soap's magical. You can have a soapy hand - wash the crack of your ass, right up to your face - and don't moan, because you did it today.
We have white people problems in America. That's what we have, white people problems. You know what that is? That's where your life is amazing, do you just make shit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like, "Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today." Things like that. Here, we make shit up to be upset about. Like, "How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm American."
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you're interested. It's now your problem.
People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, youd resign in protest. To do otherwise is to be an enabler - a mafia wife.