Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 47
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
In today's America, no child ever loses. There are no losers anymore. Everyone's a winner. No matter what the game or sport or competition, everybody wins. Everybody wins, everybody gets a trophy, no one is a loser. No child these days ever gets to hear those all-important, character building words: "You lost, Bobby! You lost, you're a loser, Bobby!" They miss out on that. You know what they tell a kid who lost these days? "You were the last winner." A lot of these kids never get to hear the truth about themselves until they're in their twenties. When their boss calls them in and says "Bobby, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here, you're a loser."
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.
People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.
This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.