Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 47

People say, "Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world." Yeah, well, maybe, but, you know what? After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. So, who is the bigger threat?

You know how we built the pyramids? You gotta ask yourself a question always flip the script. What if up was down and down was up? What if you looked down into space standing up on Earth? This is how we built the pyramids.

I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

You know those Italian eraser phrases? "That guy is a lowlife scummy little fat rat weasel bastard… I don't mean that in a bad way." Yeah, in the best possible way you can mean that.

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't make you good.

The bible, that’s god book, as far as I know the devil hasn’t brought out a book yet, haven’t heard his side of the argument. God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s being the bigger man and saying I’m not even going to comment, talking shit about me like that.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.

As for that word... Retard. I tried to get my sister to start calling her friends retard, you know, to take the word back. Own the power. They could be like, "Yo, Tardo!" "Hey, Retard, what up?" to one another. But if a non-retarded person said it, they'd get pissed, "No, thas our word!" But it's a complicated game of irony and my sister doesn't play that shit. She refuses to use the word retard for fear she might hurt someone's feelings. Me, I'm not so nice.