Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 47

If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.

Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with more than one million gags, and he still couldn't make me laugh.

You know, I don't think Richie would go to my Uncle Bert and go, 'Hey, I understand you got bowel cancer. Oh man, I know how you feel, I gotta drink a lot of booze. What's your symptoms, Uncle Bert?' 'Well, my bowel, I got blood pouring out of it all the time? and I got searing, clawing pains?ripping, tearing, mind-screeching bowel pains?and they're combined with aching, dull, soul-deadening bowel pain. Those are basically my symptoms; how 'bout you?' 'I get happy. I tend to be able to talk to people easier, I find. Sometimes, I'll meet a lady at a bar, got the same disease I do, and I'll fuck her.'

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

My first regular comedy gig, I hosted an open mic in my college town… One show, I had an ex-girlfriend who showed up to perform. I had to introduce her to the stage. It was very awkward. “Coming to the stage is the cold-hearted bitch who broke my heart. You may know her for not returning my phone calls and also giving out mediocre blowjobs.”

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

My girlfriend said, "Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need!" So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

As for that word... Retard. I tried to get my sister to start calling her friends retard, you know, to take the word back. Own the power. They could be like, "Yo, Tardo!" "Hey, Retard, what up?" to one another. But if a non-retarded person said it, they'd get pissed, "No, thas our word!" But it's a complicated game of irony and my sister doesn't play that shit. She refuses to use the word retard for fear she might hurt someone's feelings. Me, I'm not so nice.

You gotta be cool when you're macho man, cuz you can't be sensitive and care about someone having a good time in bed, cuz that's too scary... When you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen, because men really get afraid. Men really get scared in bed.

Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.

Really? You did it so your shirts would fit better? You did it because you're a whore, you forgot because you're stupid.

The bible, that’s god book, as far as I know the devil hasn’t brought out a book yet, haven’t heard his side of the argument. God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s being the bigger man and saying I’m not even going to comment, talking shit about me like that.

Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!