Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 47
"I'm a gangsta, and gangstas don't ask questions." Yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster. "Hey, muthafucka, where's my money?" That's a question. "Do you want to die tonight?" That's a question too. "What? What?" That's two questions.
The interviewer goes, 'Alright, let me clarify. Are you a Democrat or a Republican?' 'I'm neither.' 'Well, why not?' 'Because I'm kind of smart and I don't enjoy being half wrong all the fucking time.'
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.
When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.
I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.
We have white people problems in America. That's what we have, white people problems. You know what that is? That's where your life is amazing, do you just make shit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like, "Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today." Things like that. Here, we make shit up to be upset about. Like, "How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm American."
I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "Ahhhhh! That's a delicious pear!"
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!
People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.
I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I'd start drifting off... I can't sit still too long.
Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.