Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 464
By the way, could you get that look off your face? 'Cause I'm going a lot further then I'm already at right now. Y'know, you can stand on the curb and get on the bus, but I'm fucking driving.
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.
All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.
When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.
I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses - did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... Moo!"
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.
We've lost a bunch on the road, I don't even know how many. It's a relief to get this one.
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
Dr. Ruth said if you want to be a better lover, what you should is when you get in bed with your woman, before you do anything else, you should recite an erotic poem to her. Now let me ask you something. Is there one man here who knows an erotic poem that doesn’t have the word “Nantucket” in it?