Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 464
I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
America is a bunch o' bullies. tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
Going to get a dog and name him, "I don't want to live anymore", then walk around calling him.
It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.'
But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.
If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.