Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 464
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'
There is nothing wrong with having a positive attitude as long as it doesn't bug you.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, "So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart." People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.
I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.