Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 464
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred-dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.
When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?