Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 464
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Guy on the plane I'm on has a text alert that sounds like a gunshot... And he isn't putting it on vibrate.
J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!
My first words were "Seconds, please". Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9x12.
The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.
It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.'
Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the me monster.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
Death, is good. If it's someone you don't like. Oh, c'mon! Vlad the impaler, I mean Hitler's dead, woohoo! No matter heinous someone is, remember, there's always a chance that deputy from Barstow will find their body in the desert rolled up in charred carpet.
When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls, so we finish at the same time.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.