Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 465

How young can you die of old age?

I always make fun of KISS because I don't particularly think their music is anything.

I'm gonna open up my own place. Open my own restaurant and get away from you people. I'm gonna open up a restaurant with two smoking sections; Ultra and Regular, OK! And we're not gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins. None of that pussy shit.

God is either cruel or incompetent.

My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

There is nothing wrong with having a positive attitude as long as it doesn't bug you.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'

Hey! Leave the door open will ya? The flies haven’t been out all day.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

I shouldn't be near Vegas and have money in my pocket.