Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 465
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.
When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”
Experience tells me that if I could watch my own back I wouldn't.
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.
I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.