Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 465

Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch-ch-changes?

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

Guy on the plane I'm on has a text alert that sounds like a gunshot... And he isn't putting it on vibrate.

J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!

My first words were "Seconds, please". Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9x12.

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

I have an obsession with books about kids with Asperger's syndrome.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the me monster.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.