Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 465
By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch-ch-changes?
Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.
My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!
Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.
Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.
Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'Fuck that.'
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.