Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 463

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.

God is like a shitty girlfriend.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere!

I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.