Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 463
I told my girl friend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me."
Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, "Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60." I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.
Remember that friend in High School, who wanted to make bongs out of everything? Making bongs out of apples and oranges and shit. One day you find your friend goin' "Hey look, man, I made a bong out of my head! Put the pot in this ear and suck it out of this one, go on take a hit!"
Guy on the plane I'm on has a text alert that sounds like a gunshot... And he isn't putting it on vibrate.
Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.
If anything happens to me tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.