Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 463

Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music – so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.

We've lost a bunch on the road, I don't even know how many. It's a relief to get this one.

There's a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

America is a bunch o' bullies. tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

I love the movies, I don't even call them the movies, I call them cinematic adventures.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven.. Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

If anything happens to me tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.

If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science.

If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.