Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 470
There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
When you’re in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It’s like diarrhea for your heart.
One thing that teenage girls do a lot that I think is funny is when they go “One thing about me” and then they’ll say something about them that’s some weird thing about them at all. <br /> Like, “One thing about me is that you do not talk crap about my parents.” I’m like, “Really, ‘cause I love it. That’s weird that that’s your thing.”<br /> “One thing about me is that when I’m thirsty I drink water.” <br /> I’m like, “Really, whenever I’m thirsty I dip my balls in my lucky coffee pot.”
If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.
Remember those magical nights Cynthia... we would dance cheek to cheek. I'd rub my stubble against yours.
I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there being the first one there I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.
Well, you know the rule: The person who builds it gets to try it first, so my son was at school and I built the trampoline and start to go on it, my wife goes, "Hey, why don't you wait until he comes home?" I said, "Hey, why don't you hush... please?" Hey, I ain't that big an idiot, all right? So, I was jumping on the trampoline, and I was thinking, "Oh I remember this." Started doing seat drops and knee drops and then I got cocky. One thing I learned about a trampoline, if you don't land square, you go up at an angle. And you don't come down at that same angle, you go down at an equal and opposite angle. Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air and NOW my high school geometry kicks in. I curled into the fetal position, banged against the rail. My wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself. Two important things I learned that day. One, the springs will pull the hair off your legs, and two, the dog doesn't like to jump.
You listen to the world, you'll hear McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind instrument and the fart's the whole note.