Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 470

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

Ain't nothin worse then a smart dumb nigga.

I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.

The comic strip is what I looked at, and it's another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behaviour, interested me.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

And while we’re at it Sheriff Joe in Arizona, fuck you you fucking puto. How about that? Fuck you. You fat motherfucker. Fuck you. I said I was gonna talk some shit. Fuck you Sheriff Joe, you fucking puto. Fuck you. Fuck you.

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

We didn’t have a ‘baby-proof’ house. Sometimes a 2-year-old with a hammer woke your ass up from a nap!

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

President Bush never really has to answer a question. Nobody ever says to him, "With due respect, sir, your answer had absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked."

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

Jamie Masada is paying for comedians, in lieu of paying them well, he’s paying for them to have therapy at the Laugh Factory. I can just imagine the comedians talking to the therapist "I dunno, sometimes the audiences here just seem to suck... It is just me, or does the owner here seem crazy?"

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign."