Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 472

The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'

It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the "Rich Man, Poor Man" thing.

You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

I could never be James Bond.

Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, "No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat!" Never got a dinner!

We didn’t have a ‘baby-proof’ house. Sometimes a 2-year-old with a hammer woke your ass up from a nap!

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner!

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

Thanks for the shortest month, asses - and the coldest.

I was a mother's boy.

I lied to my shrink today. I told her the truth.