Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 472

Well, you know the rule: The person who builds it gets to try it first, so my son was at school and I built the trampoline and start to go on it, my wife goes, "Hey, why don't you wait until he comes home?" I said, "Hey, why don't you hush... please?" Hey, I ain't that big an idiot, all right? So, I was jumping on the trampoline, and I was thinking, "Oh I remember this." Started doing seat drops and knee drops and then I got cocky. One thing I learned about a trampoline, if you don't land square, you go up at an angle. And you don't come down at that same angle, you go down at an equal and opposite angle. Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air and NOW my high school geometry kicks in. I curled into the fetal position, banged against the rail. My wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself. Two important things I learned that day. One, the springs will pull the hair off your legs, and two, the dog doesn't like to jump.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.

I'm going old school. Adult comedy but you can have your kids in the room. Kind of Andy Griffith meets Bill Cosby meets Bob Newhart. Also my character isn't an idiot as all the rest of the sitcoms recently have the dad character like Homer Simpson.

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go sometime in December.

Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch.

I was always working, so I would get reading done very late at night a lot of times.

Remember: Super Bowl is the biggest day of the year for pizza delivery - so no matter what happens in the game, Peyton Manning wins.

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.