Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 472
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!
If a titty is pretty, it's dirty but not if it's bloody and maimed.
I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm most proud to be known as a kind person... Because kindness spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.
I don't need to be redundant to the gay community about what's wrong and what isn't happening for them.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.
You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools.
I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do.
The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.
They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well.