Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 472

If it had just been some femme fatale, I think this whole thing could have been settled. You know, if it had just been like a beautiful woman.

I don't want someone coming in and passing judgment on my life.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

I once baked a rum cake that gave Fang a hangover.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

There's a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly. Crap must have been the worse word available when that game was invented. If they invented it today, they’d have to call it “motherfucker.”