Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 473
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
A “Nerd” is someone who homes in on a topic to an almost quantum detail, much of the time at the expense of healthy social interaction.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
Pursuing your dreams involves you accepting where you want to go. Don’t allow anybody else to talk you out of things or discourage you from doing whatever you want to do. You can hold on to your dream and never pursue it or you can start pursuing it. If you can see it, or if you can envision it... it can happen.
If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.