Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 473
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
When you're constantly looking for things from other people, you're not looking within yourself.
Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
I don't need to be redundant to the gay community about what's wrong and what isn't happening for them.
The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.
Hosting the Emmys is a challenge for me. I guess it's the equivalent of someone who needs to climb a mountain or jump out of a plane. It's that kind of thing, where this could go terribly wrong. And I love the feeling of when it goes right.
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.