Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 473

I hate when comedians use "Performed For The Troops" as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

I was working recently in London - what a thrill, yeah. But I wasn't used to their money, though, 'cause I bought this really decadent box of chocolates - the cashier said, 'That'll be 10 pounds.' I'm like, 'Rub it in, why don't you?'

When life gives you lemons... they could really be oranges.

I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans... they're made of candy!"

Every new routine I have ever written and performed probably occurred extemporaneously. Then after you have fleshed it out and tried it out in front of a number of audiences and it works, you put it down on paper.

Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult... Many people are often wrong... Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

There's this new device you can buy for your car and it's got a keyless device and you press it, it's got a heartbeat detector on it. So you aim it at your car, you press it, if it flashes that means someone is in your car and they're going to kill you, all right? It's not going to be good -- so you press it. If you want to buy it it's like $550. If you do not have that money you can do the old school route which is just look in the window.

I never wanted to limit myself to just impressions. I wanted to branch out and develop other parts of my game.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.

Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.