Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 473
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. "Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"
I hate when comedians use "Performed For The Troops" as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
My comedy is adult humor, but clean. It’s not campy. I’ve always worked in the mainstream and I’ve never billed myself as a “Christian comedian.” I’m just a comedian who’s a Christian.
If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"