Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 473

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

Your father loves you. But, he doesn't like you. His job is to tell you you suck and are worthless so that when you get out there on your own you don't end up sucking worthlessly. He makes you a better man so that one day you will have the strength and character to stand up to him. And give him the finger. But just pray on that day he doesn't have the strength and character to break that finger off. Ow. I thought he was sleeping.

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, "Can we talk?" Never got a dinner!

I don't want someone coming in and passing judgment on my life.

You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools.

Festivus for the Restivus!

Every night, it’s a bakery on the bus. It’s a curse, because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I’m diabetic, so I’m like, are you kidding me?!

I was 12 years old when I had my first job, delivering packages.

I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, “Where you going?”, I said, “I’ve got my yearly physical today.” “I’ll go with you!” OK, how boring is your day? I’d never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It’s not like we’d be breaking any new ground! It’s not like I’d go, “Hey Doc, what’s that?”

The next time you see a ‘hybrid’ car with a baby seat in it, smash the fucking windows out of that car, fight club style, steal the baby seat, leave a condom where the baby seat was and see if you send a message. 'Cause that's every sanctimonious cunt that thinks that they're part of the solution, when they're exact problem.

Terry was so angry; she kept saying we have to meet with these people at parent-teacher conferences. But in the midst of this anger, I realized there's something funny about the way these pieces affect my life, and I realized there was a show in this, a hybrid where you could see the hidden cameras juxtaposed with this normal domestic life that I lead.

I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.

I shouldn't be near Vegas and have money in my pocket.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.