Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 471

The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”

I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.

I hate when comedians use "Performed For The Troops" as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

May a holy man squat on your fez.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was "Hang up, I got it!"

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.

I love to believe that there's one god but there's many different religions so there's just the question of which long distance company you pick.

America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.