Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 471
Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where you keep all your stuff'.
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Have you ever seen somebody order in this country? That’s when you realize maybe we have too much freedom. “Yeah, quick question about the coffee: is it organic? OK. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I’d like to have a cup of boiling hot water. Boiling. Boiling. With Ice. And I don’t want the ice to get all tiny.”
Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-fucked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.
She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.