Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 482

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

I think its time to go to a library and face the facts.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "what the fuck is going on with you people?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

What I have in common with the character in "Truman" is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

Nothing screams “welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress. “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft. Hope you like it.”

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.