Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 482
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.
When I die I've decided to cremate any night club owner or promoter who is still alive.
If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...
Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?
Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness, it's just been a really great thing in my life.
The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, "How's it going with that girl?" "One day at a time, man."
What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
I'm good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart’s so funny… but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
The NAACP is a wonderful organization. Belong to it myself. But do you realize if tomorrow morning we had complete integration, all them cats would be out of work?