Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 482

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge, because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.

Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.

America is a bunch o' bullies. tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I always make fun of KISS because I don't particularly think their music is anything.

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

Now, I'm no scientist, but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? It's Science.

If I'm crisp and economical in my delivery, have smooth transitions, movement and animation, and flights of fancy, that would get me an A.

God is either cruel or incompetent.

I never wanted to limit myself to just impressions. I wanted to branch out and develop other parts of my game.

I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.