Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 482
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.
When I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.
(On Top Gear’s Richard Hammond.) I wish he had died in that crash and that he had been decapitated and that a jagged piece of metal debris from the car had blinded him.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.
When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"