Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 481

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.

There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.

When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'

This guy was so large, he had his own climate.

Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.

With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

You don't want to go down to Alabama. It's primitive. Don't take your phone down there - ain't no AT&T, ain't no Sprint. They call each other the old fashioned way: they use pigeons.

I think my life is a movie and your life reflects your work.

I think its time to go to a library and face the facts.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there being the first one there I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

When I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.