Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 481

Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.

I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don’t even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.

Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Salt we got plenty. Coffee we need." Never got a dinner!

Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!

I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.

I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

I decided sitcoms weren't for me.

The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.