Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 481
I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music – so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
Dr. Ruth said if you want to be a better lover, what you should is when you get in bed with your woman, before you do anything else, you should recite an erotic poem to her. Now let me ask you something. Is there one man here who knows an erotic poem that doesn’t have the word “Nantucket” in it?
Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I'd have to do it soon 'cause it's getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it - the latest - by the ended of this show.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Going to get a dog and name him, "I don't want to live anymore", then walk around calling him.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”
I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else... I never lied better.
Best job I ever had was working in the cleaners. That was a good job. I cried like a bitch when they fired me. They fired me for wearing other people's clothes.