Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 481

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, "Can we talk?" Never got a dinner!

It's the hand job of cereals 'cause it's like, 'This is pretty good, but you know what I really want.'

I was 12 years old when I had my first job, delivering packages.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went "wait, don't curse".

We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!

Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart’s so funny… but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I had this steamy, hot sex dream where I was making love to George Washington. Actually, he was making love to me, and I was just keeping real still -- like it's done. And everything was going better than I could have ever hoped, when all of a sudden, towards the end, out of nowhere, my vagina turned into an avocado pit and ruined everything. And I woke up, and I was just like, 'Ugh, I have issues.'