Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 483
You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
The only thing we've found since we've been in Iraq is $700 million. Remember that story? The two sergeants found $700 million in a cave. And I knew they was white boys soon as I heard they gave all that money back... If that was me, I would've reported it, but it would've been a different amount. I'm like, 'Yo yo yo, Captain! Yo, listen, we just found $48.92.'
The first Presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.
That’s why when I talk to younger comics, and they say, ‘Well I need this and this, and I need so and so,’ I tell them they don’t need nothing. All you need is some great idea and go shoot it.
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.