Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 483
Every new routine I have ever written and performed probably occurred extemporaneously. Then after you have fleshed it out and tried it out in front of a number of audiences and it works, you put it down on paper.
Going to get a dog and name him, "I don't want to live anymore", then walk around calling him.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Oh, get the fuck outta here! Just 'cause I'm a convict, every thin' that comes outta my mouth is a god damn lie?
Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
(On Top Gear’s Richard Hammond.) I wish he had died in that crash and that he had been decapitated and that a jagged piece of metal debris from the car had blinded him.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?
My fate is very precarious. I don't want the show to suffer because I may not be able to come back next week.