Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 483
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
The NAACP is a wonderful organization. Belong to it myself. But do you realize if tomorrow morning we had complete integration, all them cats would be out of work?
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.
There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.
You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
The first time I was on TV, on “Flight of the Conchords,” someone put up a YouTube clip and said, ‘You’re too ugly to be on TV.’ And I was like, ‘That is exactly why it’s a good thing that I’m on TV.’
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I think comedy is definitely a more male oriented field - social commentary, political commentary - I think it's just easier for men to get up and say whatever they want. But I don't think there's that many women who really want to put their toe in the water either. It's not the easiest life or lifestyle to get out there and kind of shake the shit up.