Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 483

There’s no ironic appreciation of things we love, even of things that are in fact ridiculous, which a hipster might take and own and show the world the humor in it.

I never had inspirations to be in this movie business. I was always a stand up comedian, that’s what I am more than anything.

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.

Competition is the death of art.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

Sex is free fun for poor people.

Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?

It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

They’re all for changing the laws except when it comes to their campaign donors.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!