Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 483

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive.

And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn't they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.

This guy was so large, he had his own climate.

Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.

I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

If God wanted you to eat Puerto Rican Food, he would have lined your stomach with Pepto Bismol.

(On Top Gear’s Richard Hammond.) I wish he had died in that crash and that he had been decapitated and that a jagged piece of metal debris from the car had blinded him.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.