Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 485

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

The only thing we've found since we've been in Iraq is $700 million. Remember that story? The two sergeants found $700 million in a cave. And I knew they was white boys soon as I heard they gave all that money back... If that was me, I would've reported it, but it would've been a different amount. I'm like, 'Yo yo yo, Captain! Yo, listen, we just found $48.92.'

We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!

I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

My fate is very precarious. I don't want the show to suffer because I may not be able to come back next week.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.