Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 485

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

You don’t even know what they’re selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself - 'Buy a bike!'

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

My girlfriend is pregnant. But we've already decided to give it up for abduction.

You messed up my self esteem... Bitch it's called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

Good comedy makes you laugh, and bad comedy makes people you hate laugh.

What is a stealth bomber? It's a bomber that doesn't show up on radar, and you can't see it. Then we don't need one.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.