Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 485
As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is.
I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.”
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!
It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.
I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.
Blacks and Mexicans do the dumbest shit. The dumbest genocide. Killing each other other fuckin' gang territory that doesn't even belong to us. But when its comes to those crazy "I'll kill 30 kids, bury them under my house and dress up like a clown", white people you take the cake on that shit... Of all the people who got fired from the post office and came to shoot the post office up, how many of them were Black or Mexican? None. And we get fired all the fucking time.
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'
You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.