Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 484

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge, because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.

America is a bunch o' bullies. tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe - dare I dream it? - maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

Nature is not affected by finance. If someone offered you ten thousand dollars to let them touch your eyeball without blinking, you would never collect the money. At the very last moment, Nature would force you to blink your eye. Nature will protect her own.

The NAACP is a wonderful organization. Belong to it myself. But do you realize if tomorrow morning we had complete integration, all them cats would be out of work?

I always make fun of KISS because I don't particularly think their music is anything.

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

If I'm crisp and economical in my delivery, have smooth transitions, movement and animation, and flights of fancy, that would get me an A.

God is either cruel or incompetent.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

Right now we’ve got to stretch that dollar as far as we can.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.