Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 484
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
If a titty is pretty, it's dirty but not if it's bloody and maimed.
As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is.
Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.'
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
When I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.
I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.
I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.