Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 484
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
We've lost a bunch on the road, I don't even know how many. It's a relief to get this one.
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".
And while we’re at it Sheriff Joe in Arizona, fuck you you fucking puto. How about that? Fuck you. You fat motherfucker. Fuck you. I said I was gonna talk some shit. Fuck you Sheriff Joe, you fucking puto. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?