Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 484
When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music – so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.
When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.
I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.
I like any big city. I like any place where you can see a guy with a pants-full of pooh fighting a ghost.
Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Salt we got plenty. Coffee we need." Never got a dinner!
I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'