Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 484

When I die I've decided to cremate any night club owner or promoter who is still alive.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I met this girl... very aggressively... I just walked up to her and I said "Who are you? I have to know who you are." It's a good opener, but you can't sustain that level of excitement. Later on chicks start complaining the relationship doesn't have that much drive anymore. You have to remind them, "I'm the guy who ran up and said "Who are you?" And they always say "Well, you never do that anymore." And you have to say "Yes, and I still don't know who you are.

Is being earnest important? I always think it's kind of embarrassing.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop the music!"

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The NAACP is a wonderful organization. Belong to it myself. But do you realize if tomorrow morning we had complete integration, all them cats would be out of work?

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

If somebody pisses me off and I understand it ain't personal then I'll go to another place and I'll meditate.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

It's always fun to be able to have a voice, because it helps me to stay in tune with the project and the people that I am working with. Ther's nothing worse than being on a project and not being able to have a voice. I don't like that.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I love running cross country... On a track, I feel like a hamster.

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.