Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 486

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

Is being earnest important? I always think it's kind of embarrassing.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

I hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. When I'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can't make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, 'It's 20 of 9:40.'

That's religion. You pray. You bow. You kneel. You fast. You trim the balls of a giant space penis.

Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?

A lot of the hate mail I get is clearly misogynist. I am a proud liberal, feminist woman, and the hate mail I get about those three things is not about me. It's about those signifers, and about what the right in this country has managed to do to perpetuate anger over what they mean.

My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.