Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 486

God is either cruel or incompetent.

I'm not a narcissistic vain comedian, but I like to tell a good story.

Thanks for the shortest month, asses - and the coldest.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

This guy was so large, he had his own climate.

I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'

I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him.

Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I'm just a booty star.

Sometimes you can make friends, and sometimes you can take friends. Sometimes people want to be friends with you, and you gotta be like, 'Okay, I can deal with this person's personality and be their friend, but not necessarily do I have to change who I am. I'm not gonna change myself to be their friend.'

I had really good hearing and when you're scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.