Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 486
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
The unfairness of life is indicative of trees. I planted twenty trees on the same block. It's so fucking weird. Six became huge. One is giant. And there are some little shitty ones. Same soil. Same water. Same seed. But those little ones just don't grow. I can't explain it.
Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.
When my woman kisses me I start dancing like James Brown. Ow! I Feel Good!
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, "I don't want to cut the lawn." Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.