Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 487

What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?

The only thing we've found since we've been in Iraq is $700 million. Remember that story? The two sergeants found $700 million in a cave. And I knew they was white boys soon as I heard they gave all that money back... If that was me, I would've reported it, but it would've been a different amount. I'm like, 'Yo yo yo, Captain! Yo, listen, we just found $48.92.'

We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

My comedy is adult humor, but clean. It’s not campy. I’ve always worked in the mainstream and I’ve never billed myself as a “Christian comedian.” I’m just a comedian who’s a Christian.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.