Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 487
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
I never wanted to limit myself to just impressions. I wanted to branch out and develop other parts of my game.
Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.
For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.