Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 487

My mama would say, “Y’all quit. Don’t make me stop this car.”<br /> “You’re not in the car, Mama. You’re in a hammock with a jelly glass of scotch in your hand.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart’s so funny… but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

They tell me now that SpongeBob is gay. SquarePants is not gay. Tight pants maybe. SpongeBob Hot Pants? You go, girl!

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

I was a mother's boy.

I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'

There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.