Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 487

Willem Dafoe is a shithead.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

Predictions are preposterous.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.

I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist... who cares, the tits are out.

Doormen are kind of invisible, people don't know their names. They just say, Thank you, or Good morning. I'd never thought about doormen before. They're a vanishing breed. More electronic doors are being introduced.

It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?’

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.