Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 495
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"
In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
Terrorists, oh I’m sorry, Fox News tells us it’s all illegal immagration’s fault but it’s not their fault, it’s ours.
Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
My girlfriend is pregnant. But we've already decided to give it up for abduction.
I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.
Marriage and fatherhood heighten the disillusion that we all think we are born handy. We confidently believe that we can fix things around the house, as if it's part of the collective brain that was further enhanced by eighth-grade shop class.
You may not think I'm a sex symbol, but I became a father at the age of 48. Now young people think of me as a mini-folk hero because it's difficult for them to believe a man of my age is sexually active.
It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?’
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.