Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 495
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
(On Top Gear’s Richard Hammond.) I wish he had died in that crash and that he had been decapitated and that a jagged piece of metal debris from the car had blinded him.
It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.
Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.
Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
We've lost a bunch on the road, I don't even know how many. It's a relief to get this one.
What if I couldn’t read? I wouldn’t be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.
But this Mother fucker here Nigga, This shit right here nigga; This is a love seat Nigga! I can't even sit on this if I ain't in love Nigga! What Kind of shit is that!
In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don`t translate to French either: military victory, deodorant...
I starred in a Broadway play that was Sidney Poitier's first directing job and the cast was Lou Gossett, Cicely Tyson, Diana Ladd and I played a Jewish kid who offered himself as a slave to two Columbia University students as reparations.