Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 495
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
I can work as a writer, but I wanted to do stand-up. And I knew I could, at worst, work as a stand-up. And I like to travel, and I knew I wanted to do an hour special, so in order to get ready for that, I had to hit the road.
You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.
Such a politically correct time. I used to do a lot of racial material, but then people would think I was a racist and I'm not - anymore.
Is being earnest important? I always think it's kind of embarrassing.
I'm good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.
I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.
I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?
It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?’