Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 495
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"
I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.
Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.
When I want to see the people I grew up with, most of the time I just go to the morgue.
(On Top Gear’s Richard Hammond.) I wish he had died in that crash and that he had been decapitated and that a jagged piece of metal debris from the car had blinded him.
How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!
By the way, could you get that look off your face? 'Cause I'm going a lot further then I'm already at right now. Y'know, you can stand on the curb and get on the bus, but I'm fucking driving.
I have Glocks, .45s, Berettas, Remingtons. I like the marksmanship and the discipline that it takes to be a gun owner. I like the machinery. Being able to take it out and clean it is even more fascinating than having the gun.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
I got a pit bull from a shelter, so my whole life is centered on this dog, and I've been writing a lot of dog jokes. I should probably give up now, because I'm writing jokes about my dog.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.