Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 495
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
My mum was crazy. And when you're the child of a mentally ill person you spend your entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Living in fear that you also might be mentally ill. And the only way to defeat that fear, is to face it head on. Now, the opposite of fear is not courage. It's faith. You got to have faith that you will never end up like your parents. You also got to have faith that you will kick that crazy Korean kids ass in the day room ping pong show down. That's right, Kim Cho. Bring it on, I got something for you. Okay. Okay. One, nothing. Kim is out of his mind, but he is really good.
I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.
I was a loner and never hung out with anyone. I never had any friends.
It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.
Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
I have Glocks, .45s, Berettas, Remingtons. I like the marksmanship and the discipline that it takes to be a gun owner. I like the machinery. Being able to take it out and clean it is even more fascinating than having the gun.
Rise and grind... the money ain't gonna wait for you while you sleep son.