Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 494
I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, "You gave me a rash!" She said, "Put something on it." I said, "OK. Ten bucks says it was you."
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.
The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product.
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".
The comic strip is what I looked at, and it's another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behaviour, interested me.
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.
We didn’t have a ‘baby-proof’ house. Sometimes a 2-year-old with a hammer woke your ass up from a nap!
In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don`t translate to French either: military victory, deodorant...
They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.
I wanted to trust in my partners and the directors and producers and do the best I can to deliver what I could deliver.