Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 494
You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?
What is a stealth bomber? It's a bomber that doesn't show up on radar, and you can't see it. Then we don't need one.
And while we’re at it Sheriff Joe in Arizona, fuck you you fucking puto. How about that? Fuck you. You fat motherfucker. Fuck you. I said I was gonna talk some shit. Fuck you Sheriff Joe, you fucking puto. Fuck you. Fuck you.
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself.
Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, "What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip!" Never got a dinner!
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, 'Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there 'cause as soon as you get there, they kill you.' That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away... That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day.
If somebody pisses me off and I understand it ain't personal then I'll go to another place and I'll meditate.
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.