Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 494

A technique I developed quite naturally to help me make smooth transitions was to use a word or phrase from the next routine in the preceding one.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.

Sometimes you can make friends, and sometimes you can take friends. Sometimes people want to be friends with you, and you gotta be like, 'Okay, I can deal with this person's personality and be their friend, but not necessarily do I have to change who I am. I'm not gonna change myself to be their friend.'

Marie-Antoinette, who said to Louis, "Not tonight – this is my last headache." Never got a dinner!

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary... but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.