Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 496
I'm what you'd call ethnically Catholic. Don't believe in God, still hate Rangers...
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don`t translate to French either: military victory, deodorant...
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that shit when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this shit, and you pay for the U-Haul.'
You know George W. Bush is a war-time president, he says – proudly. Guess what. War is failure! When you are at war, you have failed! When you have gone to a war of choice and lied about it, you're a double-triple, triple-quadruple failure! Or a warlord. It's called a warlord in other countries. A war time president here. One man's ceiling I guess is another man's floor. George Bush is a warlord. He's a failure!
Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.
I don’t consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there’s a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I’ll do it.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.