Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 496

I don’t consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there’s a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I’ll do it.

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word "pancreas" in a not-horrible context.

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

You don’t even know what they’re selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself - 'Buy a bike!'

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

There is a limit on how much information you can keep bottled up.

Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, "What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip!" Never got a dinner!