Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 496
I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?
He has a great sense of humor - but it's in his assembly. It's really his craftsmanship that people overlook. It's not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
We didn’t have a ‘baby-proof’ house. Sometimes a 2-year-old with a hammer woke your ass up from a nap!
I wanted to trust in my partners and the directors and producers and do the best I can to deliver what I could deliver.
It's always fun to be able to have a voice, because it helps me to stay in tune with the project and the people that I am working with. Ther's nothing worse than being on a project and not being able to have a voice. I don't like that.
I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.
"You want another one?" "Oh, I don't know: I've already had two whole, entire Fig Newtons. Maybe I could try to muscle one more down but I don't think I - Mmmm, I am stuffed to the wrappers!" They're nuts. "We got an ER here. We got a three Fig Newton eater." "How many did he have? What is he nuts? Doesn't he read?"