Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 496
Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.
When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.
We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know?
I did whatever it takes to do stand-up. There is an abundance of material in struggling and poverty and trying to make it. There is so much humor in that, it's unlimited.
Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.
What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat you like equals, what do you do? You send us to sensitivity training, bitch. That's what you do.
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.