Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 497
My mum was crazy. And when you're the child of a mentally ill person you spend your entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Living in fear that you also might be mentally ill. And the only way to defeat that fear, is to face it head on. Now, the opposite of fear is not courage. It's faith. You got to have faith that you will never end up like your parents. You also got to have faith that you will kick that crazy Korean kids ass in the day room ping pong show down. That's right, Kim Cho. Bring it on, I got something for you. Okay. Okay. One, nothing. Kim is out of his mind, but he is really good.
I think the audience should take away that it’s okay to be smart, it’s okay to be funny and well-learned. You can be from academia and be funny; you don’t have to be an idiot.
I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.
Marie-Antoinette, who said to Louis, "Not tonight – this is my last headache." Never got a dinner!
I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.
It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.
He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they’re great.
Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
You could place one product in a first-run telecast, a second product what that program is rerun, and a third product when the show goes into syndication, and another product when it goes on cable.
The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”