Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 497

It's lunch time in the Diamond District. All the stores close down and the street is filled with chasidim, who suddenly find themselves caught in Yidlock.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies". She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.

Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses - did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... Moo!"

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.

He has a great sense of humor - but it's in his assembly. It's really his craftsmanship that people overlook. It's not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.

I hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. When I'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, I just have this anxiety attack, and I just can't make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, 'It's 20 of 9:40.'

Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

We speak English and Spanish at the same time. “Ay, que cute.”

So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of... three." "Three what?" "Three... girth units."

Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.