Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 498

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

I went to this one strip club with the guys after the show and we get to the strip club and they actually tried to charge me a cover, can you believe that...you want me to pay...I was like pay are you out your damn mind..come on man I brought my own titties"

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

My father was the guy on the block who said hi to everyone.

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

People say to me, “Oh, Bill, leave them alone. They’re so good, and so clean-cut, and they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked! I don’t care if they died in pools of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking heart! “Mommy, the man Bill told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose.” Shut up and listen to him play!

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

I had one DWI, which was a bogus charge, because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle driving down that particular sidewalk. That’s profiling. And profiling is wrong.