Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 498
If somebody pisses me off and I understand it ain't personal then I'll go to another place and I'll meditate.
I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.
I never had inspirations to be in this movie business. I was always a stand up comedian, that’s what I am more than anything.
I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that’s like runs batted in.
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.
Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.
I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.
I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?