Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 498
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
People would walk up to me on the streets. "*indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting"."You mean mind blowing"."No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind"
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
I was going to get me a white woman, but O.J. messed it up for everybody. He set interracial dating back a thousand years.
Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you are superman.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.
Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies.
All my friends, all they do is drink and smoke - all they do, all day - but they're sensitive. Like after 9/11, they thought they was patriotic, you know. They telling me what their military strategy was gonna be the next day with a joint in they mouth. 'Yo son, we gonna knock them dudes out. That's my word, son.' I'm like, 'What dudes?' 'Them dudes from Assgan, son!'
Comedy's a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, 'Ooh, you should do porno!' Same girl sat on my lap and was like, 'Ooh, you should tell jokes!'
I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.
You never think when you're a little girl that you're going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity." I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.
I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left.