Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 498

You don’t even know what they’re selling until the very end: three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself - 'Buy a bike!'

I can work as a writer, but I wanted to do stand-up. And I knew I could, at worst, work as a stand-up. And I like to travel, and I knew I wanted to do an hour special, so in order to get ready for that, I had to hit the road.

I met this girl... very aggressively... I just walked up to her and I said "Who are you? I have to know who you are." It's a good opener, but you can't sustain that level of excitement. Later on chicks start complaining the relationship doesn't have that much drive anymore. You have to remind them, "I'm the guy who ran up and said "Who are you?" And they always say "Well, you never do that anymore." And you have to say "Yes, and I still don't know who you are.

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that’s great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where’s your Metallica?

All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if "Politically Incorrect" has to go down for it, so be it!

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say "hello". "Hellooo, I invented the telephone!"

Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, "What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip!" Never got a dinner!

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

That's where the money is, on the road.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

Comedy is a very approval-oriented field.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I never had inspirations to be in this movie business. I was always a stand up comedian, that’s what I am more than anything.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.