Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 513

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

I’m still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I’m going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I’m going after Hitler.

It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

Without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things!

Men want to make women happy.

There's something very refreshing about being on stage.

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

Wow! Lee, we got a big ass problem.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

I don't know who I touch and who I don't. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don't have any secrets. I don't know the reasons I've been so well received.