Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 513
Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, "No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat!" Never got a dinner!
We didn’t have a ‘baby-proof’ house. Sometimes a 2-year-old with a hammer woke your ass up from a nap!
Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'Fuck that.'
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
It is not crazy to think that powerful people do some pretty horrible things. And maybe they get out of hand. Maybe it just gets away from them. It snowballs.
Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube.
If you wish to achieve any success in this life, do your best to surround yourself with an orgy of good choices.
I am always hoping to do another CD. This atmosphere has been difficult.
He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they’re great.
If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.
I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. "Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"