Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 513

Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn’t writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people’s moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

If you want to do anything, you got to go do it. Perform a lot, write a lot, make yourself better. Use the Internet, make videos, create content.

President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...

Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

She goes, 'No, this is really good for his immune system.' I said 'Two years? I think at this time, we can safely dunk him in a bucket of polio.'