Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 513

You hear entertainers all the time, saying, 'If I couldn't get paid for this, I'd do it for free.' When's the last time you ever heard a business person say, 'If I couldn't get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I'd do it for free'?

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.

Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'

However, even under the best of circumstances, four-year graduation rates for the next few years will be substantially lower than those in the three provinces.

When I've mentioned things that I thought only happened to me, or thoughts that I felt had only had crossed my mind, the audience response indicated that they seemed to have happened to, or been thought of by many people.

You just have to keep driving down the road. It's going to bend and curve and you'll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.

The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.

[Talking about her husband Doug] He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want...

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y’know what CNN? I’m turning you on because I don’t know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.