Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 512
My dad, growing up, called me Princess. He drilled it in my head as a kid that I'm a frigging princess. And then I grew up, and I got into the real world, and I realized that no one else was on board with the whole princess thing. Princesses don't lose their virginity at Lollapalooza.
"Yo, yo, hear me out" is rarely ever followed by a reasonable, well articulated argument.
I was worried if I got my driver’s license I’d start winning all the NASCAR races.
In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off
I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything.
Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.
The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.
When you only make $3000 a year in social security, it's hard to be a philanthropist.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...