Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 512

It is not crazy to think that powerful people do some pretty horrible things. And maybe they get out of hand. Maybe it just gets away from them. It snowballs.

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.

I think comedy is definitely a more male oriented field - social commentary, political commentary - I think it's just easier for men to get up and say whatever they want. But I don't think there's that many women who really want to put their toe in the water either. It's not the easiest life or lifestyle to get out there and kind of shake the shit up.

"Yo, yo, hear me out" is rarely ever followed by a reasonable, well articulated argument.

We battled well and it was an excellent win.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And he convinced me to eat one. And it was horrible and it was exciting. And I thought, this will be gross and I'll have a story: I had my first oyster with Paul Newman.

We can only comment on what we've seen, and what we've seen from the Chilean government is nothing at all.

When you only make $3000 a year in social security, it's hard to be a philanthropist.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn’t writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people’s moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.