Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 512

I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.

I never had an aversion because I was active in the drama club. If I had that aversion I certainly wouldn't put myself in the position of being on stage. Of course, in the drama club you're hiding behind a character.

Comedy is a very approval-oriented field.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it - aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.

Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.

I lost a button hole today.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after. Alright, I shouldn't have started her off with one that I was in - that was a mistake.

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that’s great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where’s your Metallica?

Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

Being single at 41 after ten years of marriage and two kids is difficult. That’s like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore.