Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 514
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.
Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too.
If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...
The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said "Can't work today. Have American flu." Never got a dinner!
I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Hey! Leave the door open will ya? The flies haven’t been out all day.
Things are so scary and intimidating with AIDS and the right wing that people are looking for somebody to just give them safe harbors.
Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.
I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume.
Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.