Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 514

I was worried if I got my driver’s license I’d start winning all the NASCAR races.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.

When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls, so we finish at the same time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

I was very driven as a boy scout. Very driven. Driven everywhere I was.

Modesty is my best quality.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hand, what would they do, say... under your arms?

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left.