Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 514

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; "but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much".

I don't laugh at me. I used to. I used to get the giggles when I'd see myself. But now, I see myself onscreen, and I sure don't laugh.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If you want to do anything, you got to go do it. Perform a lot, write a lot, make yourself better. Use the Internet, make videos, create content.

You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first!

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

I always thought marketing in general was an interesting kind of thing. I always liked commercials and billboards.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.

Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don’t care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.