Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 520
I always enjoyed Carlin for turning the tables on culture. He is an excellent writer that has endured for decades.
These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It's like, 'Sorry, little Johnny, you can't get up, but look - I can.'
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.
Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.
People would walk up to me on the streets. "*indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting"."You mean mind blowing"."No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind"
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out -- unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.