Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 520

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

J-Lo finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

I have so much on my mind yet so little to say.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, "Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?" He's like, "I hope you die first."

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.