Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 519
Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, "Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank?" Never got a dinner!
Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...."
With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.
Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.
If it had just been some femme fatale, I think this whole thing could have been settled. You know, if it had just been like a beautiful woman.
The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Oh, get the fuck outta here! Just 'cause I'm a convict, every thin' that comes outta my mouth is a god damn lie?
I didn't belong when I was in high school. Now people are trying to buy lips.
I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.
A friend of mine had his own theatre company, and he jumped me in like I was in a gang. And once I came in, it was just that simple. For the first time in my life, I felt, 'This is a career, this is a life that I think I can grow old doing.' It was love at first sight. I loved being on stage and reading these plays. It was great.