Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 519

Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.

However, even under the best of circumstances, four-year graduation rates for the next few years will be substantially lower than those in the three provinces.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holister.

Everybody has their own way of tapping into their realness.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.

Men want to make women happy.

A remembrance can mean nothing to the one remembered; it can only remind the ones left behind how little they did while you were still alive.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Humanity is what happened when aliens fucked apes.