Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 519

Speaking of Quarterback nicknames, you hear they’re calling Jay Cutler 50 cent? Because you only get two quarters out of him.

I always thought marketing in general was an interesting kind of thing. I always liked commercials and billboards.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Men want to make women happy.

That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'

My grandma. She’s into Scrabble. What’s with grandmas and Scrabble? She loves to play. And her vocabulary is, like, way gooder.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you’ll never see the same show twice, because I don’t like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...