Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 519
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
When you only make $3000 a year in social security, it's hard to be a philanthropist.
This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest, out!" after I ejaculate.
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
Yeah, people ask me about my hair, 'Felipe, what kind of shampoo do you use?' I say, 'I don't know. I think it's called 'SAMPLE, don't take.'
Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
We can place a product, virtually any size, in almost any location. It really depends on what the program and the video in each individual episode provides in terms of a logical or contextual background.
I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
You never think when you're a little girl that you're going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity." I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.
One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.