Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 521
As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the fuck you want in my church!
My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.
The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Some people say that Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.