Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 521
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people do too. Oh, we made the cover. But any press is good press. Right ? As long as they spell your name right. So now the whole world is gonna read about... Tatus High Performance. Tatus. Great.
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.
This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest, out!" after I ejaculate.
Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
I did whatever it takes to do stand-up. There is an abundance of material in struggling and poverty and trying to make it. There is so much humor in that, it's unlimited.
4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
I think bears and worms aren’t very similar… until you think of gummy.
I don't laugh at me. I used to. I used to get the giggles when I'd see myself. But now, I see myself onscreen, and I sure don't laugh.
John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly.