Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 521
My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.
I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, “Where you going?”, I said, “I’ve got my yearly physical today.” “I’ll go with you!” OK, how boring is your day? I’d never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It’s not like we’d be breaking any new ground! It’s not like I’d go, “Hey Doc, what’s that?”
Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
Yeah, people ask me about my hair, 'Felipe, what kind of shampoo do you use?' I say, 'I don't know. I think it's called 'SAMPLE, don't take.'
NASA! There's a crack unit, huh? These guys make Amtrak look like a team of micro surgeons. The Soviets are building Chuck E Cheeses' on Mars, we break out the party hats if we get down to three in the countdown.
We can place a product, virtually any size, in almost any location. It really depends on what the program and the video in each individual episode provides in terms of a logical or contextual background.
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, "Soon you'll be able to have sex." I said, "I've heard that for years."
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.
This producer was a woman, a type I became acquainted with at the beginning of my stand-up career in Denver. I cared little for them: blondes in high heels who were so anxious to reach the professional level of the men they worshipped, fawned over, served, built up, and flattered that they would stab other women in the back. They are the ultimate weapon used by men against actual feminists who try to work in media, and they are never friends to other women, you can trust me on that.
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.