Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 521

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

Men want to make women happy.

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

Onstage, I'm still wearing my fabulous, sheer dresses because I'm not that big.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Humanity is what happened when aliens fucked apes.

I've been fortunate to work with good directors who understand improvisation and understand the way comedians work. Luke Basan let me do my thing like do what you feel and take the character to another level. Quentin Tarrantino was more of an acting coach. He can teach you beats and then hell say go with it but give this feeling. So I've been fortunate to work with good, seasoned directors.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

When you only make $3000 a year in social security, it's hard to be a philanthropist.

I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written.