Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 521

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

To be honest with you, when I got into this I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.

You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.

I was not influenced by Jack Benny, and people have remarked on my timing and Jack's timing, but I don't think you can teach timing. It's something you hear in your head.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Silences are the most underrated part of comedy.

I went out with a guy the other night. He ordered a salad. I’m sorry, if you ordered a salad as an appetizer, your main course is a cock.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.