Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 524

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

Spontaneous, clever, specific, oblique and at the same time very human.

Nobody ever wins an argument. Nobody ever goes, 'Oh, I'm wrong.' Somebody eventually just goes, 'Shut up. We gotta eat, so let's shut up for minute.'

You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

How about we work out a plan at my apartment and dinner should be around. So we can just do both.

This year, I just might achieve my goal of losing interest in absolutely everything. Not that I care...

If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.

I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Onstage, I'm still wearing my fabulous, sheer dresses because I'm not that big.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?