Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 524

Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'

When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!'

I don't remember ordering the Christian sandwich...

You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know... the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!

Regis and I were inducted into the original Bronx Walk of Fame.

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.