Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 524
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
Without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things!
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.
Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?
My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.
Every day you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Don't be talking to yourself in the mirror today, you're alone in your house.'
I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?