Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 524

At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn't have something to say on a nightly basis.

The Bible’s too wordy. The 10 Commandments are a load of shit. You don’t need all these things. The Bible should be one sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper it should say: ‘Try not to be a cunt.’

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

I believe in divine forces and energies.

"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.