Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 524
I don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime — who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'
How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.
To be honest with you, when I got into this I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.
I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their "faces."