Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 525

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

I did whatever it takes to do stand-up. There is an abundance of material in struggling and poverty and trying to make it. There is so much humor in that, it's unlimited.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

I think bears and worms aren’t very similar… until you think of gummy.

Did you hear the new phenomenon that's going on about... letting the boys decide if they want to get circumcised? It's like, OK, it shouldn't be up to the boy. It should be up to the girl, the one that's going to be fucking him in 15 years - that should be her decision.

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there.

The last president that anybody wanted to fuck was JFK. A woman president could be voted in if guys wanted to fuck her. If a female candidate with lots of sex appeal ever came along, her entire campaign could be “So vote for me and maybe I'll fuck ya”. She'd win by a landslide 'cause guys will do anything to get laid.

I was at the airport trying to pick up my mother. Well, it was dark in that lounge...

I always enjoyed Carlin for turning the tables on culture. He is an excellent writer that has endured for decades.

They got special terms that they use when they're pregnant. They don't even say "pregnant", got special words they use - "I'm expecting". Expecting what? "I'm expecting a child, silly." Well, then, you probably got a good shot!

Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, “Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat.”