Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 525
It was frustrating because I didn't do anything, ... I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he decided to punish me. I couldn't do anything about it.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
That’s the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.
I am also huddling with creative advisers and studying the possibility of calling it The.
Nobody ever wins an argument. Nobody ever goes, 'Oh, I'm wrong.' Somebody eventually just goes, 'Shut up. We gotta eat, so let's shut up for minute.'
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
How about we work out a plan at my apartment and dinner should be around. So we can just do both.
Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, "Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party."