Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 525

You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.

Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.

Comics don't like to see other comics do well.

Everything is awesome... Everything is cool when you're a part of a team...

I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

And in that time, I lost my dad and had kids of my own. It was like, OK, I get it now. I know what fatherhood is all about. And you look at your parents differently.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.

I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.

Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going? Why'd he do that? Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are. You're denying it right now: "I do not do that. Why is she saying that?. What's she gonna say next?"

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'

Without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things!

I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any thoughts about huggin', or kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"

We've had some fun tonight... considering we're all gonna die someday.

Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer!