Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 523
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'
That’s the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.
I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.
I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'
I am also huddling with creative advisers and studying the possibility of calling it The.
Doormen are kind of invisible, people don't know their names. They just say, Thank you, or Good morning. I'd never thought about doormen before. They're a vanishing breed. More electronic doors are being introduced.
This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.
How about we work out a plan at my apartment and dinner should be around. So we can just do both.
I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, "Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party."