Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 523
I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.
We're putting a face on something that a lot of people don't understand, ... And we want to give people some information before they make up their minds and judge us.
The fumes are killing us, and we wonder why things are going haywire.
I couldn't tell people what I wanted to do because I was from Atlanta. You don't tell people you're gonna be a comedian in Atlanta. That means you ain't gonna do nothing.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Every time you see a black romance it's over-the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to show him how independently strong she is, not just as a woman but as a black woman.
Hold it El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
People say to me, “Oh, Bill, leave them alone. They’re so good, and so clean-cut, and they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked! I don’t care if they died in pools of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking heart! “Mommy, the man Bill told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose.” Shut up and listen to him play!
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'