Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 523

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard".

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.

He who limps is still walking.

Going to get a dog and name him, "I don't want to live anymore", then walk around calling him.

But this phenomenal thing happens - even though you are the same guy with the same script - when you have a producer attached.

Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.

The earth is bipolar.

If it's all white, it's all right!

I always wanted to write as much as perform.

The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.

The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.