Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 523
I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"
Every day you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Don't be talking to yourself in the mirror today, you're alone in your house.'
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; "but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much".
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.
I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.
Have you ever watched footage of the destruction caused by hurricanes in America? When a big wind sweeps across America, there isn't a building left standing. And you can't help thinking: the Southern states of America must have been built by the first two little piggies.
You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.