Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 54

I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.

If you ever see me at a boat show or at a car show, blow my head off.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I was doing this 'dee dee dee' joke. You know what 'dee dee dee' means, right? It means stupid. This lady gets all pissed at me: 'Excuse me, sir, what if there was someone severely retarded in the crowd right now?' I'm like, 'Well, he's severely retarded, lady. Obviously he wouldn't know I'm fuckin' with him.'

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

My parents used to beat the living shit out of me, okay? And I'm glad they did, and I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my kids!

It's a cup... with dirt in it. I call it a cup of dirt.

That movie looks so bad, I can't believe I wasn't in it.

Then we got my dog, Duke, he’s a basset hound. Duke’s the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can’t teach that. That’s just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn’t know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That’s why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I’m like, “Duke! Mama needs some lovin’!”

My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.

America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't make you good.

She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.