Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 531

You messed up my self esteem... Bitch it's called SELF ESTEEM! It's the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch... How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I didn't need the elf outfit to play an elf; I could just play an elf.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holister.

But this phenomenal thing happens - even though you are the same guy with the same script - when you have a producer attached.

Dude, smell my eyes!

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

Keep thy religion to thyself.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any thoughts about huggin', or kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"