Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 531

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

Nobody ever wins an argument. Nobody ever goes, 'Oh, I'm wrong.' Somebody eventually just goes, 'Shut up. We gotta eat, so let's shut up for minute.'

You know, there's nothing more interesting than seeing a bunch of racists become confused and angry at a speech they're not quite certain what he's saying.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

Evaluate every performance on: stage presence, concentration, delivery, material and lessons learned.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, "Your three minutes are up." Never got a dinner!

Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going? Why'd he do that? Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are. You're denying it right now: "I do not do that. Why is she saying that?. What's she gonna say next?"

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been in so many motel rooms her nickname is 'Gideon.'