Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 532

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

The fumes are killing us, and we wonder why things are going haywire.

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

I don't care who you are, I don't care what you do. If you have four funny stories, you can be a guest on this show. That's what we're looking for.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Please tell me that the Crossfit Cult members have a suicide pact.

My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It's about crabs. Don't tune in looking for that 'Big AIDS Hour.'

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If one side of the horse moves, the other side goes with it.