Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 532
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline.
Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.
My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.
It was frustrating because I didn't do anything, ... I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he decided to punish me. I couldn't do anything about it.
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, "Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or - more appropriate for that kind of growth - hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.