Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 532

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

It’s funny because when I was younger my voice would rise when I would talk on the microphone. Now it is sort of like a character for me, a more animated version of myself and my voice is 10 times up from my regular self.

They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.

I’ve always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

We can place a product, virtually any size, in almost any location. It really depends on what the program and the video in each individual episode provides in terms of a logical or contextual background.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

My friends all got really into that show 'The Deadliest Catch.' But I never watched it 'cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It's about crabs. Don't tune in looking for that 'Big AIDS Hour.'

I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man i have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"