Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 532

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) ... "Get away from 'em!"

I'm feeling very vindicated that, when I see the audiences laughing and being moved, we were right.

By shrewdly linking procreation to an act likely to make you stupid with excitement, God has seen to it that Life does indeed go on. It's possible, by the way, that this is why God's name comes up so often in the middle of the act; it's a salute to the author: "Hey, whoever made this up - thanks."

Humanity is what happened when aliens fucked apes.

I've been fortunate to work with good directors who understand improvisation and understand the way comedians work. Luke Basan let me do my thing like do what you feel and take the character to another level. Quentin Tarrantino was more of an acting coach. He can teach you beats and then hell say go with it but give this feeling. So I've been fortunate to work with good, seasoned directors.

What!? You tell people that, I won't get no more black movies?

Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.

I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds.

After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink.

Nela - can you come and disinfect this please. I don't want our customers complaining that our fruit tastes like New Zealanders.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.