Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 530
The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.
Once you succeed at something it’s hard to keep it fresh and exciting so you have to keep challenging yourself. You have to be a moving target or it won’t work.
Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going? Why'd he do that? Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are. You're denying it right now: "I do not do that. Why is she saying that?. What's she gonna say next?"
"I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
I realized recently that what I need to find is a woman who love me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written.
It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.