Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 530

I was a class clown.

At night, I'll notice a thigh will just start aching. And this arm, and this...

I see a Latino comic as someone who can only perform for Latino audiences. I cross the board.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I wanted her in a bad way, though I wasn’t sure exactly for what. Had she one day suddenly turned and yelled, “Jam it in!” at me, I’m not convinced I’d have known what to do.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I think my life is a movie and your life reflects your work.

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut.

They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.