Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 530
On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline.
One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.
If you’re a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
When you first start having sex with somebody, you never discuss what you like and don't like. You just try stuff, and the other person either goes, 'Ooh yeah,' or they go, 'Hey, don't do that!'
You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.