Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 530
Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.
The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.
That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that shit when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this shit, and you pay for the U-Haul.'
I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.
Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
I went to this one strip club with the guys after the show and we get to the strip club and they actually tried to charge me a cover, can you believe that...you want me to pay...I was like pay are you out your damn mind..come on man I brought my own titties"
I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any thoughts about huggin', or kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"
I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.
If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.