Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 537

I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

Don't tell jokes only the band laughs at.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I'm off to the gym. Replacing good character with good looks is a cornerstone of my comeback stratagem.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking - its nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable it, and elevate it, are our intellectual slaveholders - keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?

Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

We have to get out there and touch the people and let them know that you are thinking about them and to try and lift their spirits and get awareness out there to the rest of the country.