Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 537
One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.
I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! "I'm the two plate guy!" Clank! Clank! "Anyone wanna spot me?" Clank! Clank!
It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.
That's what I take pride in in my stand-up, is changing things up. Being special.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.