Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 537
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
I can't tell you 100 percent what makes a relationship work. But I can see something good coming and I can see something bad coming.
You don't just get a computer to get online. You gotta get other stuff. You better get a modem, or you're not getting on anything. You gotta get a monitor, that's what I found out. You gotta get a mouse. You gotta get a mouse pad. You gotta get a sperm guard for your keyboard.
I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.
No, even when you're making fun of people in this business, they want to take credit for it. That's how big the egos are.
We're putting a face on something that a lot of people don't understand, ... And we want to give people some information before they make up their minds and judge us.
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
The fumes are killing us, and we wonder why things are going haywire.
Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.
A friend of mine had his own theatre company, and he jumped me in like I was in a gang. And once I came in, it was just that simple. For the first time in my life, I felt, 'This is a career, this is a life that I think I can grow old doing.' It was love at first sight. I loved being on stage and reading these plays. It was great.
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.