Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 537
I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.
Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
You may not think I'm a sex symbol, but I became a father at the age of 48. Now young people think of me as a mini-folk hero because it's difficult for them to believe a man of my age is sexually active.
I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
Girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, a chick came up with that.
There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!