Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 541
I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.
The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues.
My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.
I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.
One of the most beautiful things in the world I've ever seen or heard is people laughing, even when there seems to be so little reason for them to laugh.
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.
I didn't belong when I was in high school. Now people are trying to buy lips.
They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.
People kill me about being a big guy. They always asking me dumb questions… Every time I breathe in, they’re like, “Why you breathing so hard?’ “So I can live!”
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?