Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 541
I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, "Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!" Pop opens one eye, he's like, "Is the boogie man bigger than me?" "Well, no Daddy, he's not." "Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me."
When you're at a comedy club, if you're not funny, you don't work. People will let you know, whether it's by booing or yelling for you to get out of the club. People are drunk or whatever and they'll let you have it.
It's hip to be square. Remember that shitty song by that shitty band 20 motherfucking years ago?
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said, "Blue goes with everything."
Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers.
The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
No, even when you're making fun of people in this business, they want to take credit for it. That's how big the egos are.
Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
We are not warriors in anyone's army. And that is not trying to be self-deprecating. I'm proud of what we do. I really like these two shows. I like making 'em. I like watching them. I'm really proud of them. But I understand their place. I don't view us as people who lead social movements.