Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 541
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Don’t blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they’re not haters. They’re right.
I was a typical kid. I dug holes in the yard, threw rocks, had plum battles with the neighbours and used trash can lids as shields. I was always outside getting dirty.
One of the most beautiful things in the world I've ever seen or heard is people laughing, even when there seems to be so little reason for them to laugh.
How far can we go? How much can we absorb and still have some peace of mind?
My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. There's a couple of shows like that, The Simpsons is another one, smart people and stupid people love The Simpsons for totally different reasons; that's why it's a big hit, everybody's either smart or stupid so a lot of people watch it. Our show, smart people and stupid people love it for different reasons and early on in my career I made a commitment to myself; I refuse to cater to stupid people. What we do on the air is just try to be funny and hope that the smart people listen more than the dumb people.
And then I realized I was being checked out by guys! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a man! Shoot!" And I called my girlfriend, and I said, "Baby, you better not mess this up; I have options!"