Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 541
I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
And in that time, I lost my dad and had kids of my own. It was like, OK, I get it now. I know what fatherhood is all about. And you look at your parents differently.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
One of the most beautiful things in the world I've ever seen or heard is people laughing, even when there seems to be so little reason for them to laugh.
She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.
Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.
You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.
I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.
I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.
Every day you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Don't be talking to yourself in the mirror today, you're alone in your house.'
On stage and in person, I think I am nice, thoughtful, and empathetic. But for some reason when I'm online, I become super aggressive and unhinged. I should probably get off of Twitter and see a therapist.
But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.