Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 541
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.
This report found out that more British people died, proportionally, than American people on that boat because they discovered that, at that point in history, British people were more polite while Americans were, and I quote, more assertive. But don't feel guilty when you imagine your ancestors elbowing mine out of the way.
Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer.
I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV because we don't wanna read! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!