Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 542

Come back here, so that I may brain thee!

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV because we don't wanna read! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I was driving down the highway and I saw a sign that said: Live Nude Girls. And I was thinking, you probably don't need the 'live.' I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality until you brought it up.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.

I always wanted to write as much as perform.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.

If I get to Heaven and God is white, I'd be like, 'I knew it all along. Show me to the hood.' But if I get to Heaven and God is black, that's going to piss me off a little bit. I'd be like, 'Ain't this a bitch? You've been black all along? Ain't you been seeing what the hell's going on down there?'

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.