Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 542
The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
I was doing gigs to stay alive. I worked two or three jobs at a time, there were times when I stayed up for 36 hours straight. I slept in shopping mall parking lots. A stand-up gig paid $35; then I could eat for another few days until the next gig. Literally, I was performing to live.
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.
Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
If you’re a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.