Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 542

I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.

Every time you see a black romance it's over-the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to show him how independently strong she is, not just as a woman but as a black woman.

Modesty is my best quality.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married to an idiot!

Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.

We're careful not to saturate people.

I like "Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory" because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like "Dawn of the dead" because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

I'm not even worried about them getting sick of the characters. I want to make sure stuff is still funny to me.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.