Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 542

I know De Niro, you know, it's all famous that he packed on 60 pounds for Raging Bull, but ah, he just did it for one movie, I do that for every movie.

As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the fuck you want in my church!

Evaluate every performance on: stage presence, concentration, delivery, material and lessons learned.

I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write.

Keep thy religion to thyself.

Hip doesn't really come into play anymore as far as I can tell.

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

One year my dad bought my mom a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When she was in a good mood it was blue and when she was in a bad mood it made a red mark upside my dad’s head.

I'm feeling very vindicated that, when I see the audiences laughing and being moved, we were right.

I hope I'm able to relive my future.

Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.

Nicole Richie’s baby shower is going to be this Sunday at 12:30 in the afternoon. It should be a very special event - many of these people are going to be seeing each other for the first time in broad daylight.

I've been fortunate to work with good directors who understand improvisation and understand the way comedians work. Luke Basan let me do my thing like do what you feel and take the character to another level. Quentin Tarrantino was more of an acting coach. He can teach you beats and then hell say go with it but give this feeling. So I've been fortunate to work with good, seasoned directors.

How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.

I was very driven as a boy scout. Very driven. Driven everywhere I was.