Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 556

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.

How our government works... it doesn't.

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.

I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas.

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.

I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.

The thing that cracks me up the most about male strippers is, they’re always in policemen’s uniforms and firemen’s uniforms. ‘Cause they say that women like a man in uniform. No, no, it’s not about the uniform, okay? We like men with jobs. You will never see a male stripper come out with pajama pants on, holding a video game controller and a pop-tart.

In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"