Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 556

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

A tobacco-company now advertise that you can get a packet of cigaretts for $1. The cost of dying is really going down now.

The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

Sex is free fun for poor people.

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.

I never wanted to lose out on an acting job and wonder if I hadn't been trained enough.

When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.