Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 556
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Some of you are just lying! There's no way you would let your woman freely see your phone.
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
One year my dad bought my mom a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When she was in a good mood it was blue and when she was in a bad mood it made a red mark upside my dad’s head.
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.
Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.
According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
I do jokes about the specific guys in the steroids scandal. I feel bad for the guys who did steroids and still suck.
The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.