Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 556

Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.

Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

The average person has one fallopian tube.

With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'

Back in '93 I saw my first UFC fight and just became enamored by it then.

It's just sad to see some white person trying to do a nigger-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It's just fuckin' depressing.

At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'

The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.

She goes, 'You just took me bowling to impress me.' 'Well, yes. Another strike for me. Are you ready for my seed yet, or should I move on to juggling?'

Well, there's no credible link between Iraq and al Qaeda. There's no credible link between Iraq and 9/11.