Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 556

My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, “Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat.”

My career and life are over, and I have nothing to live for.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

So, what are you in for? Manslaughter! I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!

Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) ... "Get away from 'em!"

Some people say that Jesus was black. I don't know if that's true or not, but that would explain why it's taking him so long to come back.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

I started out in this industry with standup comedy and it got me to the movies, but it’s something I love to do and it’s something I’m enjoying coming back to.

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.